After waking I ate some breakfast, and dressed in my everyday clothes. These clothes suffice for any weather, from boiling summers to snowy winters, and everything in between. I also carried a small chain, I have no skill in weapons and would do just as well with my fists if it came to combat; however, I use the chain so I do not lose my wallet as I have in the past. It could double as a weapon in a pinch. I set off from home.
I was unaware I had started the initiation for some time, standing in the rain I was washed clean of all my thoughts and for a time was completely at peace. I then boarded the wrong bus and ended up in a part of the city I did not know. I could have simply waited at the bus stop for the bus in the other direction but I found myself walking up the street and contemplating my past. It was then that I realized I was engaging in the initiation as I walked. I considered my past, the friends I had made, the people I had cared for, those I had lost. One common thread I noticed throughout my thoughts was that I was always trying to keep things the same. Friends moved on, moved away, and changed. While I changed some I was often trying to keep things the same, being happy at the time I did not want things to change. As I continued walking up the street I noticed that I had very little clue where I was and so I turned around to head back to the bus stop.
When I did this I drew a parallel to my past, as I often let others make the plans and enjoyed it, while when I tried to organize events of make large plans they ended up confused as lost, as I did when i wandered without thinking. In the past for awhile I was a money lender. Here I simply acted as an intermediary for those who needed a little cash, and would pay me back slightly more later. Yet, even though this was a plan of my own, I was still letting others use me and was content in this. I then picked up a pen, this seemed like a symbol that reflected my past. I served my function, but did not look for anything more. My happiness in life was taken from being used as I should, or in the case of my life, being happy doing the same things everyday and going along with other plans. The pen was the same as many other pens, wouldn't stand out even lying in the middle of the road, alot like how I often tried to be.
I then boarded the bus to try to make my way in the direction of my house. I considered my present. I was moving through life without any effort of my own, allowing outside forces, in this case the bus, to lead me where it would. I thought of my friends who cared about my for myself, who were willing to let me just follow along if I wished but often urged me to take charge of myself, to go where I wanted to go, and to show initiative. I got off the bus and went to sit and wait for the next bus, this was a calm moment in my present. But, like my present life, I had sat down for only a minute when the next bus arrived to take me onward into life, whether I knew where I wanted to go, or not. I then saw the symbol that fit my present life. It was the place I was. Quite a few bus lines intersected here, as well as the BART system. From here I could go to 5 cities with one bus. I could go straight to the airport and off to who knows where. That was where my life was, and intersection of paths, with one bus after another coming to whisk me away unless I took control and chose a path. The symbol I took for this place was a map of the light rail system that connected close to where I was. I then rode the bus back into the town i live in, got off near a set of hills not to far from my house, and started walking once more.
I saw a low hill and climbed it, thinking perhaps that was my goal, but within a minute I was at the top and was not satisfied. So I walked on up a bigger hill. This one took me awhile to ascend. There was a path where people had gone driving which I followed for the most part. I took several turns I knew, then decided to tale some forks I didn't know. I ended up on top of another hill, but still was not satisfied. I stood there for awhile to consider why. After some minutes of thinking I realized what part of it might be. It had taken little effort to get where I was. Although I had taken a path i did not know, it led me to the top by an easy route. I was barely breathing heavily. I then saw that there were several ways down. One entail a very steep decent, with loose sandy footing and rocks below. Seeing this I knew it was my goal. I managed to make it down with out incident, and, after doing so, felt accomplished. I had done something that was rather hard for me, and succeeded. At the bottom of the hill there was half of a mangled bike. It had been bent almost in two. I felt that this symbolized my future rather well. I would take risks, and there would be danger if I failed or faltered, however I would try rather than become stagnent...never accomplishing anything. I was unable to bend or break any of the metal on the bike so I tore off a small fragment of rubber from the tire and began my walk home.
I took another path home and as I did so it began to rain again. By the time I arrived home I had already been washed clean but I tool a hot shower nonetheless to ease myself. I then took out the three items. Seeing them together I remembered my past, considered the present, and pondered the future. Life is out there to live. As the Captain says, you just have to start walking.
The first accomplishment was an internal one for me. My Grandfather on my fathers side (gramps) Took badly ill. Many of my family urged me to go up to see him as he would likely not last till summer, when next I would have a chance. Honestly I was torn, I wanted to be there for him yet I did not want to see him in that condition. I wrestled with myself for a day or two, then cast my feelings aside and went up to Canada to see him. I spent a large part of the next week sitting by his bedside, either holding his hand and talking to him or just sitting and reading. The day I was set to leave he died.
I hold this as a personal accomplishment because I was able to set aside my personal discomfort for the need of one who had cared for me all my life. It was a major point in my life as since then I have seen my path more clearly then I had in the past, to help others. It is quite possible that he did not know I was there as he did not speak or open his eyes after the first night and all he did was cry out in pain occasionally. However it is quite possible that he knew I was there and just had no way to show it. So I stayed with him.
My second accomplishment was graduating high school. I personally do not view this as a huge deal because I went right on to College this fall, others seem to believe that this was a milestone in my life so I list it here. I had a very tumultuous freshman year resulting in me being far behind all the others in my grade; however, I caught up and was able to graduate on time. All that was required for me to accomplsih this was to go to summer school for two years and pass all of my classes, and I did pass with quite decent grades recieving a small ($1000) Scholorship for doing well on some testing. I plan on going through college for some time, once that is done I will consider it a milestone.
[Third Accomplishment]
Another accomplishment wouldn't seem like much to others however I recongize the importance to myself. I have started exercising again. While I cannot see any hope for me, the fact that I have started building up my body shows that somewhere in me I wish to go on. Perhaps I am misreading this and it is simply a mammal reaction to not let ones body deteriorate. Who knows however I will train my body to strength and perhaps my mind, and heart, will follow.
The last accomplishment is something that is not truly complete yet, but has been set in motion. My friends family in Oklahoma had planned to send his sister out to visit him. However circumstances changed and they no longer would put any money into it. Together with another friend we scrounged up money for him to fly his sister out. Although it has been posponed is is still happening. I consider this an accomplishment because I have always been initially....timid, around people that I do not know but that I care what they might think of me. However for the sake of my friend I stuffed that fear in a corner and called up his sister, whom I'd never met, and introduced myself and explained the plan. It worked out and she should come out sometime within a month or two.
The noun that best describes me is Friend. The adjective is faithful. I believe my greatest skill is listening. Out of the fears I was only able to narrow it down to 3: Defeat, Loneliness, and losing control. My greatest weakness is procrastination.
These words explain alot about why I do things when put together. Often I will put off doing things because I fear I may fail. However others who truly know me consider me a good friend not only because listen to them, their problems, and what they have to say, but also because I am faithfull and they know that I'll be there for them through thick and thin. The skills I have I strive to put to use helping my friends get through life. When they have something on their mind they know I can talk to them and also listen.
I try to overcome my weaknesses but often I fail to do so. To overcome procrastination all I need do is to do a task when I see it needs doing, instead of doing something tomorrow, do it today. Unfourtunatly all to often I see something needs doing and then instead of doing it I go read a book or just sit around doing nothing. This is definatly something I need to work on.
My future? I need to keep the skills and traits I have but also develop more skills, better traits. My weaknesses I must redouble my efforts to overcome. However seeing what I have to do and saying I will do it is a long way from doing it. It's that last step to actually doing what must be done that I must complete.