I am a paladin.
This means I believe. I believe in honor—in all things. I believe in faith—in God, in my family, in those that I love. I believe that one person can make a difference; all it takes is a genuine smile. I believe in pulling myself back up after any mistakes—and trust me I’ve made my fair share of them. I believe in loyalty those that earn it; once mine is given it is for life.
This means I am a dreamer. I see what can be, but I acknowledge what has been. I refuse to play it safe because ‘that’s the way it’s always been done.’ The cynics and the ‘realists’ say my head is in the clouds, or my personal favorite, that I don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality. I believe that this life should be lived to its fullest because God saw fit to grant me one. I believe in taking the road less traveled, because that’s where you truly discover who you are.
I believe in breathing deep, never doing anything by halves. I believe in tempering justice with mercy. I believe in the strength to persevere through trials with a smile, and the dignity of asking for help when it’s needed the most. I believe that chivalry isn’t dead and knights on white chargers still exist. I believe in old-fashioned romance, the kind that everyone secretly dreams of and yet no one desires to attain it.
I believe in swimming against the stream, the power of art to change the world and enrich the soul. To the supposed ‘enlightened ones’ who scoff at the fact that I am an artist, I ask you what could be more necessary to the human race?
You know what I believe, here’s what I do.
I help people any time I can, and in any way I can. No, it’s not an ego boost or any such psychological bullshit that you choose to espouse. It is simply because it’s who I am—I have always been capable to bear the burdens, and I will give more of myself because I see the smiles and know that I made a difference. So simple, yet so surprisingly complex. But y’know something—I ain’t here just for me.
I am a fighter. By fists or by words, I will zealously defend causes I deem worthy. I will fight, die and most importantly live with every ounce of power and grace in my being for those I care about. As long as I remain standing, the battle is not lost.
If giving a tinker’s damn about my fellow human beings and wanting to
do something about it makes me a dreamer who tilts at windmills, then so be
it.
Over the years I have discovered a very interesting quality about myself: people of all stripes feel comfortable telling me their personal . . .stuff. From the fact that they found out their boyfriend was cheating on them (random movie concessions person--it's amazing the response you can get from asking "How was your weekend?") to some very intimate details, I have assumed the mantle of "trusted adviser and confidante" to several people. To that end, I know I have a duty to give them the best possible advice I can whatever their situation, and to be completely honest about it too. There is also a caveat: what I have to say may not always be what they want to hear--I run the gamut from being a shoulder to cry on to giving verbal tongue lashings that are works of art.I have been a trusted adviser two times during my tenure of 'enforced idleness' port side--a happy consequence, and maybe a small part of why I was chosen to stay for just a little while longer.
Incident the First: I am just surfing the Internet when I receive a frantic instant message from my accountability partner saying to pray for her. This immediately rouses my concern and worry--I spend about 5 minutes talking to her trying to get her to tell me something and she won't. All she keeps saying is that she's ok and nothing's the matter; my instincts say quite the contrary. So I'm figuring she'll tell me when she's ready and just tell her to call me. She called me later that night and told me everything--essentially she had ended up committing a major relationship faux pas with her boyfriend. My first reaction . . ."Oh hell!" Then I immediately went into what I call my 'damage control' mode. I asked her if she was ok from the fallout, and she told me she was. Good! Next came the barrage of questions as to how she is handling this--and just as I expected she was handling with maturity and humbleness. Then came the part where I 'spoke the truth with love' with the help of a verbal 2x4 or 2. I told her in no uncertain terms that I still loved her regardless of what she did, but I was not happy with her for several reasons--foremost being that I was her accountability partner and she did not even talk to me about this. But we both had to face the fact that there was no chance that I could have been able to talk her out of this course of action--she was dead set on it. I could tell from the tone of her voice that she knew she screwed up big time, so that's why I wasn't too harsh on her. We are back on good terms again, and she has improved drastically--sometimes you've got to hit bottom to start climbing back up. And she's gotten used to me checking on her more frequently ;).
Incident the Second: Yet again, this was long distance damage control and this time it was for two married friends of mine. A friend of mine was complaining about how she has to ask her husband repeatedly to do certain things and it's been happening for over a year and a half now. Her husband states that he would help out more freely if he didn't get griped at. A sticky situation--to say the least. After talking to both of them, I ascertained that this was a basic communication problem as well as a fundamental personality difference, and something that I could not dispense advice about because those tactics I had suggested had not worked for numerous reasons. So I did the sensible thing that a somewhat experienced counselor would do--told them to talk to some one who is more experienced and they both trust, so they could get better advice to handle the situation. My heart aches at the constant fighting over the littlest thing that can come from those two--they got married quickly, but I know that they are in love with each other. I know that some battles in a relationship just aren't worth the fight, but no matter how much I tell her this she won't listen. That's what makes this particular situation sticky--I know I helped by simply listening to both of them, but I wish I could do more.
The news came swiftly and unexpectedly--
unexpected medical problems that made themselves known during a routine
physical.
Indefinite medical leave.
The Shadows cut my legs out from under me in one fell swoop,
Worry, indecision and nervousness creep on the edge of my thoughts like
demons lying in ambush.
But I am determined to meet them and win this--I will not be beaten!
This battle has tested and tried me- stretching my limits and strengthing me through a trial by fire. I've come near to breaking on more than a few occassions when it seems like too much to bear. Somehow, I always manage to claw my way back; keeping my humor and my strength intact to fight another day.
The fight is drawing nearer to its final conclusion, and I can not come away from this without carrying the scars of learning these lessons with pride . . .
It's perfectly acceptable to allow yourself a moment of weakness and
frustration, so long as it does not overwhelm--even the strongest ones
break down from time to time.
Never apologize for needing to lean on your friends, the true ones will
be there regardless.
Virtual hugs still carry the same power as real ones.
White chocolate mochas make exceptional comfort food in times of crisis.
When all is said and done--the only constant in this 'awful, beautiful
life' is faith; that's what will carry me through.
Welcome the trials, for they force my faith to the surface to refine
it and strengthen it.
I will never find a set of finer friends if I looked for the rest of
my life.
This is my time of testing and refinement
I rest comfortably in the fact that pressure makes diamonds.
I will come out stronger . . .
What makes my armor strong? This question was at times easy and very tough to answer; I can name several qualities about me that would be considered good ones, but at the same time, I do not like saying what makes me a good person because I feel like that would be an unnecessary act of bragging on myself and I'm not the type of girl to do that. I would much rather display my good qualities through my daily actions; "the proof is in the puddin'" is an old Southern slogan that I live by.
That being said and I ask for forgiveness in advance for my ramblings, it is time to get down business. I present three of my good qualities that make me a paladin. Oh, by the way, names of my friends involved in certain incidences have been omitted to protect the identities of the guilty and involved ;).
"She's just there . . . That's the best thing about her." I am the friend that you can call no matter what time of day it is. My friends know that they can get me out of bed at three in the morning to chase a drunken guy off the back porch of the dorms (an incident that actually happened). My friends also know that they can talk to me whenever they need to and about anything at all, and I will listen. I will cry with them, eat ice cream with them and be there for them no matter what.
Live by the Code and the Commandments--- Another thing that makes me strong as a paladin is what I mentioned in my previous assignment, Paladin in Blue Jeans; I stick to my morals and my beliefs. I live my life by the morals that my Christianity sets down, and by a slightly modified version of the Code of Chivalry (opening and holding doors for everyone, not just the women); one that is fit for female Paladins of this age. These principles give me a framework to base my decisions and choices on and they are my foundation when I am faced with the trails of living: for example, trying to find a job (which is a prevalent concern right now). These principles are also my foundation in an ever-shifting world; I have something to stand strong on because of them.
"I gotta find the humor in this, or else I will go crazy!"--- I feel that my ability to find the silver lining in almost any situation is another trait that makes me a good paladin. While I consider myself a realist who fully acknowledges that life has more than its fair share of suffering and pain, I also possess a sense of humor that is very prevalent and at times slightly bizarre. That humor has helped me to get through some very tough situations in my life as well as the 'bad days' that come along. It is said that laughter is good for the soul; and I try to live by that every day.
These are only three of many qualities that I believe make a paladin's armor
strong; these are also three qualities that I feel make my armor as strong
as it is.
