This was the most challenging assignment yet. Not for the actual deeds, but
more for the large time requirement. But I have finally been able to arrange
and complete such a day, and I am happy to tell you about it.
The first part of my day was delivering an older laptop I no longer use to
a young man trying to go to firefighter college. They apparently strongly urge
students to have a computer, but any such computer was far outside his financial
grasp.
I played with my neighbor's dog, and let the dog outside several times (with
my neighbor's permission) while she was at an extended day in Orlando. The
pooch was very appreciative- I was covered with slobber to prove it!
I went onto www.care2.com and I clicked to donate the many different causes
they have represented there. It is a free click, but there are sponsors that
donate actual money for every hit on the website. It was in support of ocean
preservation, breast cancer research, and 8 or so others.
I signed several petitions for society improving causes such as increased punishment
for child abusers, to extend animal cruelty to encompass big game animals shot
in cages for bottled hunts, and to urge Japan to reduce its self-allotted yearly
whale kills to allow the population to stabilize and hopefully grow.
I went to the first meeting of my new playgroup, Mocha Moms. It is a non-profit
organization in support of women of color. It is mainly for stay at home moms,
but it is for everyone who supports their ideals. Thankfully that include me
(a white girl). I met wonderful women I never would have known otherwise- and
I tentatively say I could have already made the first steps towards some very
gratifying and long lasting friendships. Additionally, the group has many activities
that support the community and help out people in need. I studied up before
joining, and I am in a dramatic and rude awakening at the level of racism that
exists so intricately entangled in our everyday lives.
The very last thing I did is not something that was a one time deal, but a
much longer lasting 'deed'. I have decided to become a gestational carrier
(a surrogate) for a couple that cannot have their own children. They are amazing
people. I did not know them previous to this assignment, but I cannot imagine
finding people I believe in helping more. The intended mother was diagnosed
with breast cancer. She delayed her treatment to have her eggs harvested, because
she wanted a baby that much. They are young- still very early thirties, and
they are very successful. So I took a pill three times today, and I injected
myself with another medication that in conjunction with the rest of the long
preparation will prepare my body for the transfer of their embryo. The actual
transfer should happen sometime in March.
This day was not what I initially thought it would be. I started out the day
slightly disappointed that the recipient of the laptop was not was I originally
thought he would be... an uncomfortable feeling that somehow he was not 'worthy'
enough for my old computer. I felt guilty about that and even wondered how
I would confess such a terrible feeling in my hero report to you, dear Lady
Moira. But by the time my meeting with the Mocha Moms was complete, I felt
completely at ease with my day. It wasn't because he became any more responsible,
or any less a conglomeration of bad decisions. It was that it didn't matter.
He was a living, breathing human, and I helped him out. Where he was before
I met him and where he goes after I left him does not matter. To hold him to
some ambiguous standard, to internalize the idea that he would have to "qualify" for
MY gift to him is elitist and cruel. The Mochas didn't know about him- they
didn't say anything about giving laptops in the meeting. But what they did
do was welcome me in, instantly and embracing in a way I have never experienced
before. I am used to putting on a show of proof without being asked, constantly
(albeit) silently asserting that I am worthy of whatever situation or company
I am in. But in that room, for those two hours, it didn't matter. What mattered
was how I supported one woman when she wanted advice on her marriage. It mattered
that I cared, that I was there, that I was looking for friendships that could
last the test of time. It was beautiful. And humbling, given the way I have
judged so many people. I feel like I have been helped today more than I actually
helped anyone else. Before this day I would have said I was the least racist
person I could think of. And yet when I walked into a room of a dozen black
women, I felt scared and threatened, and it was all I could do to smile and
walk in. A room of women in that situation is intimidating by itself, but I
felt the racial difference intensely at the very first. But it passed almost
instantly, and my real self started to take over my irrational racist fear
that I didn't even know I had.
If I could do it over again, I would have arranged for a sitter and truly packed
my day with impactful events. I feel like I should be giving so much more than
I did. When I was planning it, it seemed to look great on paper. But once the
day was done, I felt like I should have tried harder. Armed with my new awareness
of discrimination I have inflicted silently and in my thoughts (not to mention
I am wracking my brain, hoping I have not unwittingly passed on prejudiced
views to anyone else) I am dedicated to incorporating this knowledge into my
every day, so that I never forget. To ignore the very real racist views perpetuated
by many, many people who don't even realize it, is to condone those behaviors
and ideals. I don't have to find and expose every racist in the world- but
I HAVE to open my eyes to what's in front of me.
I found so many things that make me strong, so many things that contribute to my Paladin gifts. I was a bit daunted when I was mulling over what makes me Paladin. This is just a small part of what I found.
When I take a stand for something, I do not mince words. When I feel passionately about an injustice, my vocabulary takes on a life of its own. My speech becomes so eloquent; it could be a pinnacle in a novel.
One important asset I have is something about my appearance. People almost always listen to me when I speak. They usually believe me when I tell them something is the truth. I don’t know why this is, but I do know that it can be an incredible strength.
I listen to my conscience. I see so many injustices in the world, and that also helps me. I can SEE them. I see hurt, so deeply that I feel it too. When I witness the world around me, I process it on a deep, deep level. Quickly and subconsciously, I notice things and feel them, not just ignore them. I can find value in all life, not just the life the media likes to recognize, not just the ‘pretty’ and ‘neat’ sides of life. I am not afraid of mess. Life is messy, but I choose to live it! One very large part of why I am able to live the way I live is my ability to process opinions contrary to my own beliefs. I have discovered that I do not simply discard them out of hand, but I find myself evaluating them for merit carefully. In certain cases I can just discard them from my mind and move on if the are baseless and nonsensical. But in the cases where they are the truth, whole or in part, I take it in and almost meditate on it. It can be minutes, hours, or days later when I am finally able to sort out what is truth and what is not. With that information I am able to make myself a better person. I think this is important because listening, truly listening, to another person can be one of the most important assets to have.
